As Thanksgiving approaches, one online debate has struck a nerve across social media: should men who didn’t cook still help clean up after the holiday meal?
Someone online recently asked people whether she was in the wrong for expecting those who didn't cook the holiday meal to clean up after it was done. The responses were immediate and wide-ranging, and quickly accrued over 2,000 comments.
The story
A Reddit user shared that she spent two days cooking Thanksgiving dishes last year. The morning of Thanksgiving, she spoke with her husband and suggested that he gather the men to clean up after the Thanksgiving meal later that afternoon. He agreed.
She stated that the dinner went well, but after everyone finished eating, the men went to the living room to watch football, leaving the women to clean up the kitchen. The kitchen and living room were connected, so it was clear the women were cleaning.
On the drive home, she asked her husband what had happened and why he hadn't helped with the cleanup. He responded by saying that she has a victim complex and just wanted to be in a bad mood. She stated she was not in a bad mood and was reminding him about what they previously discussed that day. He responded, telling her that as a man, there are certain jobs he has to do. She told him that she wasn't talking about any previous argument or issues, just the one that happened at Thanksgiving dinner.
She posed her question, asking if she was in the wrong, and Reddit users quickly weighed in, with over 2,000 people sharing their thoughts.
The responses
One user said it simply. "If you didn't cook, you gotta clean. It's called teamwork and helping someone you love." This is the case in many homes during the holidays. The ones who cook don't have to clean. It's a simple, standard rule that is easy to follow and leaves no wiggle room for confusion or complications.
Another response had thoughts. "If I acted like this, my wife would tell me to get takeout and eat by myself next year." Not being part of the solution means that next year, people may try to avoid the problem altogether, cancel meals, or not invite people who aren't willing to help.
One of the top commenters stated, “The men always watch football while the women cook and clean. It’s the reason I hate Thanksgiving. It’s all for the men. Women never get to kick their heels up.”
56% of married adults feel that sharing household chores is essential. Interestingly, men are slightly more likely than women to say sharing household chores is very important to a successful marriage (63% vs. 58%). This statistic shows that the topic often comes up, especially during the holidays, but that doesn’t necessarily mean people follow through.
This person made their opinion loud and clear. "I consider that plain disrespect. And he is turning around to gaslight you. He's wrong."
Harsh, but true. He was part of the initial conversation, but then twisted the words and outcome to suit him better, and then blamed it on her. It's gaslighting 101, and he had no trouble blaming her for it.
This response got several upvotes. "My husband cleaned every dish from plates to pots because I cooked everything. That man's mentality is awful. My dad was like that, and it’s very outdated."
Not considering helping with cleaning is an outdated process. Long gone are the days when women should be expected to do it all. Households with two adults can split the work evenly, so it's done more quickly and remains fair.
One person said, "He can’t really be made responsible for what all the men do, but if he agreed, he should’ve at least come and offered his help."
It's a valid response. He can't control others or make them help, but he does have control over himself and the promise he made to his wife. He could have talked to the men, and if they didn't want to help, all he had to do was walk into the kitchen and do it himself. It could have been as simple as that.
Etiquette when you’re the guest, no matter whether you are a man or a woman
For many, the rule is simple: if you were invited to dinner and didn’t help prepare the meal, offering to clean up is basic courtesy. Hosting, especially around the holidays, often means hours, if not days, of planning, shopping, and cooking. A quick hand with the dishes or clearing the table can make a big difference and show appreciation for the effort that went into the meal.
Etiquette experts often say that guests who sit back after eating send the wrong message, even unintentionally. Even if the host insists you relax, a simple offer to clear plates, load the dishwasher, or pack leftovers shows thoughtfulness and respect.
If you’re unsure what to do, ask politely: “Can I help with anything?” or “Would you like me to take care of the dishes?” Most hosts appreciate the offer, even if they decline.
The takeaway
An excuse is just an excuse. Two grown adults having a conversation before the holiday meal means both should stick to their promises. Cooking and cleaning are a big part of the holiday, and they shouldn't have to be done alone. The more hands in the kitchen, the quicker everything gets completed. Put egos aside and make light of the work.
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